These sorts of posts deliver results with laser precision. It’s simple: Match up your father with the descriptor, and you’ll know what to get him.
Try and convince him to order fish in a restaurant. We’ll wait.
Diet: Anything with fins or claws. His favorite: Simple (Yet Scrumptious) Steamed Fish.
Distinguishing marks: Bucket hat, multi-pocket vest, trusty waders.
- Can descale and filet a trout while watching a Rangers game
- Can identify any saltwater firm-fleshed fish in one bite
- He has seven beer-batter recipes memorized
Habitat: Waist-deep in a stream, in a kayak, or folding chair by the lake. Also found napping in a recliner.
A gift to avoid: Tofu of the Month subscription.
Birds of a feather hunt together. Hunting Dad flocks with other hunting dads.
Diet: Big game? He’s game. His favorite: Braised Venison.
Distinguishing marks: Camo, of course. Has an Astros cap, but it’s the camo version. And one in blaze orange.
- Can throw his scent off from a buck from high in a tree stand
- Can distinguish between the Blue-Winged and Cinnamon Teal by the sound of their wings
- Has deboned a duck in the dark. Twice.
Habitat: We’re not sure. The camo, you see. Otherwise, on the back deck with a cold one.
A gift to avoid: Vegan Cooking for Dummies cookbook.
Ideal gift: Ultimate Camping/RV Bundle. What, did you think he was coming home tonight? He’ll be home tomorrow, and you’ll be happy about it by dinnertime, too.
Even if his hair be silver, he’s still captain of the ship. Aye aye.
Diet: Anything with hushpuppies on the side and a cold one in a Koozie. (Not light beer, and not frozen hushpuppies. His favorite: Kebabs Four Ways.
Distinguishing marks: A stylish sportsman’s cap instead of an actual captain’s hat. UV protective camp shirt. Sunglasses that are worth more than his first car.
- Can back a truck into a boat slip with a dirty windshield in the rain while singing Merle Haggard
- Can distinguish between northwest and north northwest without the help of a compass
- Has a story about flying fish landing in his boat that might or might not be true
Habitat: If he’s not on the water, he’s either on his way there or on his way back. He’s also got the coolest garage on the block, so come see him there.
A gift to avoid: Socks. They clash with boat shoes.
Ideal gift: Captains for Clean Water Bundle. Created in memory of avid outdoorsman Travis Holeman. This bundle has the basics and helps a beautiful cause.
This king of tailgates is proof that team loyalty is non-negotiable.
Diet: Whatever he’s had the last time his team has won. And nothing else until they lose again. His favorite: Phantastic Phillies PB&J Cheeseburger.
Distinguishing marks: ALWAYS team colors. Also, remnants from his younger days of painting his body in team colors.
- Knows his team’s playbook by heart (and believes he could call a game better than the coach)
- Can name the franchise’s past 17 quarterbacks
- Has named you or a sibling after a stadium or team legend without your mom realizing
Habitat: During lean times, the cheap seats. In prosperity, the box seats. Also in the same corner lot spot hours before kickoff.
A gift to avoid: His rival team’s T-shirt. He’ll change the oil in the car and clean up after the dog with it.
BACKYARD CHEF DAD
His patio furniture is nicer than what he had in his first apartment.
Diet: Anything a heavy-duty paper plate can handle. His favorite: Ground Beef and Potatoes on the FIREDISC®.
Distinguishing marks: Barbecue stain on an apron with “Kiss the Cook” embroidered on it. Comfy, reasonable shoes. Farmer’s tan.
- Can cook a steak to perfection without a watch and with the consumption of a cold beer as navigation
- Can manipulate an Ultimate Pig Tail/Flipping Tool with either hand
- Once fed a crowd of 1,000 with a single bag of briquettes and ⅛-of a bottle of lighter fluid (but never, ever again.)
Habitat: On the patio. It began as a porch. Today, it’s screened-in, with heaters, a TV, a fire pit, a cooler, and a badass Bluetooth speaker (or three).
A gift to avoid: A restaurant gift certificate. He’ll give it back to you to use with your fancy friends.
Ideal gift: Camp Hope Bundle. It comes with a cover and accessories and its sales benefit the PTSD Foundation of America.
Needs to run for mayor. Your town can’t afford four years without him.
Diet: Hamburgers. Hot dogs. Anything he can make in bulk for your little league game or that time the block lost power for two days. His favorite: Texas-Style (Philly) Cheesesteaks.
Distinguishing marks: He wears the colors of your U8 soccer team still. #HighlighterYellowForever. Great hair, a smile to match, and a big heart. Flat shoulder from so many pats on the back.
- Can go from burgers for four to hot dogs for 40 in 4.0 seconds flat
- Can sense when new neighbors have moved in and can’t find their pots and pans (and has Shrimp Po’ Boy sandwiches on the way)
- Has told more people about your game-winning bucket in U10 hoops than he has about the way he met your mother.
Habitat: Wherever the need. The backyard gate is usually open. He’s more likely at your sports field or out on the driveway so the neighbors know it’s almost suppertime.
A gift to avoid: Indoor cookware. For who? For what?
Ideal gift: Ultimate Accessories Bundle. This cat’s been toting around a short cooker with a wok dish since you were in coach pitch. With budget-store tools to boot. Let’s upgrade this champ.
There you have it. Gift and profiles for the dude that’s worth his weight in lobster meat. Treat him right for Father’s Day. Let’s eat.